The answer: I’m fine thanks! How are you?

The truth: I’m overworked. Tired. So sleepy that I can’t sleep. Yesterday I cried myself to sleep. Last week I dreaded the day and couldn’t pull myself out of bed. I don’t actually feel like I know what I’m doing and that’s making me really scared. I’ve noticed that I’ve been complaining a ton about everything, which is really annoying. Now that I’m in my 30’s and all my decisions seemingly carry a different weight, I’m afraid to make any. I pray a ton, but am not always sure if I’m hearing things correctly, which is even more terrifying. Oh and this North Korea/Trump thing has me just simply afraid to leave the house… you know, because nuclear bombs! And romantic relationships? I don’t even want to get started.

The truth is, I feel a constant pressure to be strong, a contestant pressure to be perfect, and I’m rarely honest with myself or others about my own adulting struggle. The truth is, far too often I just feel like I’m drowning.

Finally I went to counseling…. I cried my eyes out for a full hour during our first meeting. I just cried and cried… I think the secret weight I was carrying just finally boiled over. On one hand I feel like I’ve accomplished so much and on the other hand I sometimes feel like my life is not where I wanted it to be at all. On the one hand, I’m 32, I have a PhD, I work in the field that I’m completely passionate about and feel called to, I make a decent amount of money to be young and single, I travel frequently, and have family and friends I can always count on. Honestly, I feel fulfilled in my life in ways that I can’t even describe. And at the EXACT SAME TIME, I’m 32, I have no kids and am afraid that I’m starting to not want any (what kind of woman will that make me? Ya’ll know society’s pressure), I’m not married (What?! Not married… ya’ll know this is a death sentence), I’m literally JUST learning how to cook (a Black woman who can’t cook greens and macaroni? Yep, me!), I sometimes feel lonely even in a room full of people, and above all, the stress of a 4-year PhD paired with working full-time and not caring for my health was causing my hair to fall out.

Here I am…. Walking around smiling, laughing, “enjoying life” and yet there were pieces of me that were simply not “fine”… I wasn’t ok. The truth is, I’m not always ok! Most days I’m great, fantastic even… and other days, I’m just truly not ok. I’m sad, frustrated, lonely, feeling like I’m not good enough or that I should be doing WAAAAY more with my life.

And the truth is, I KNOW I’m not the only one.

As women, Black women, dare I say Christian Black women especially (this is my context), we far too often hide behind a cloak of perfection, a cloak of wonder woman strength, a “blessed and highly favored” facade, simply lying to ourselves and others. All the while digging ourselves in to a deeper and darker hole, out of which at some point we won’t be able to climb.

Since I was very young, I developed a pretty serious fear of vulnerability. I think many times it is because my mom has always been so strong (sorry mom, don’t mean to throw you under the bus here…. Still love you girl! J). Her strength and poise in the midst of life’s trials has always been something I admired. To date, I cannot think of a moment when I’ve seen her cry. Through divorce, financial struggle, church hurt, moving clear across the country with my Dad, but without family…. I’m sure she cried…. But I’ve never seen it, never heard of it, and really can’t even imagine it. I think for her it was important to be strong and to be seen as a constant tower of strength and courage for two growing kids. At some point, I learned that you stand tall, you take whatever storms come your way, and you push through. All of which are amazing qualities, because after all, palm trees sway, but they don’t break right? Nevertheless, in all of the strength, I taught myself that strength equated lack of vulnerability, and that strength equated perfection. Both of which are incredibly false. There is immense strength in your (my) willingness to be vulnerable. There is strength in asking for help, and yes, even strength in tears in front of others.

Now don’t me wrong. I’m not suggesting that you go around unloading on any ol’ body who asks how you’re doing! What I am suggesting is that you honestly and regularly engage in practices that allow you to unload for yourself. For some that may mean yoga or journaling, for me it meant going to see a counselor – seeking professional help. Don’t be afraid of the “shrink” or the couch! (hahaha) If I am completely honest with you, I’ve never felt more liberated than to be in a room, on a couch, with a person I don’t know, who was being paid to listen to me rant and cry for an hour every week! Lol He validated my fears, challenged me to be honest about my faults, and to take responsibility for my own actions in situations that were “clearly someone else’s fault”. He also helped me to recognize the moments I was taking responsibility for someone else’s nonsense and promising myself perfection in areas that were simply unrealistic. He gave me permission to just exist… flaws and all.

A few weeks ago, I was doing one of those Facebook quizzes… you know the ones that tell you what your kid will look like, or if you pick three random colors it will tell you where you’ll get married? Yeah one of those. After responding to a question or two, the quiz told me what my book would be titled 10 years from now. The suggested title was “I’m Fine Thanks!”. Clearly it was a joke (because no one should take FB that seriously), but it resonated so closely with me, because I’m finally moving beyond living in a false fine.

And well, I guess I wrote all of this not because I’ve got it all figured out, or because I have all of the answers, but instead to encourage you to live beyond the false fine that society often forces us into and to live authentically you in all of the peaks and valleys that are life.

You don’t have to be fine all the time. You don’t have to pretend to be perfect…. In fact, stop pretending!

None of us are perfect and most of us don’t actually know what we’re doing at this thing called life. We are just doing our best…. Taking it one step at a time, one breath at a time, and one prayer at a time. When you are honest with yourself, you give others permission to do the same. But even better than that, when you are honest with yourself, you free yourself from the shackles and bondage of living a façade. Be willing to make a commitment to be vulnerable with yourself and with others. Give yourself the space and grace to grow, make mistakes, to be imperfect, and to love yourself completely.  Give yourself permission to not be ok, to seek help when you need it, and to love yourself, even in all of the mess that is you.

The question: How are you?

The answer: I am not always “fine”, but I am living authentically

With this in mind, if you are reading this as a grad student in ANY program, masters, doctoral, or anything else, let me tell you this:

You CAN NOT do this alone!
Get you a sista-circle or a mista-circle (any kind of circle really), schola-friend, writing-buddy, cheerleader, kidnapper, text message responder, affirmation giver, food cooker, drink buyer (this one’s important), prayer warrior, tear wiper….. all of that and more! They don’t all have to be found in the same person, but you need them in your life if you want to make it to the other side! Please don’t be afraid to ask for help, and please don’t be afraid to offer help to those around you. YOU GOT THIS! Push through!

Wisdom – Required to master your individual gifts or strengths.
Architecture – A commitment to building your community, through building people, families, companies, churches, organizations, etc.
Revolution – Vision and preparation to rebuild something new after you’ve toppled the existing structure; Having vision for the future you desire.

His words caused me to think much about the role of “positional leadership” in the contemporary fight for social justice. We all know that your position does not inherently make you a leader! Leaders lead regardless of position! PERIOD.

At the same time, it is important that we (especially those of us often pushed to the margins of society) seek after certain positions. With positions often comes the power, the leverage, the latitude, the exposure, the money, and the platform to advocate for sweeping change, to elevate voices that are often deliberately ignored, and the security necessary to do so without fear of retaliation (to a certain extent). The petition to get Jesse Williams fired from ShondaLand (following his powerful speech at the 2016 BET Awards), and Shonda’s prompt and ubothered “girl bye” response demonstrated this reality. Her positional leadership afforded her the ability to both take a stand (with Jesse and therefore in alignment with his words) and continue to do her thing in regard to television.

This is not to say that she did not lose viewers, and I am sure she received push back, perhaps some hate mail, and maybe even had an argument or two with colleagues, but ultimately she could do what she wanted. I also acknowledge that some positions (e.g. POTUS) come with such great scrutiny, that you often feel as if you are in between a rock and hard place, which may challenge one’s ability to lead in the direction one feels most important. Throughout it all, I am not arguing that we all seek after positions, but I am acknowledging the power in them. Furthermore, I am acknowledging that we all have a position to play in this fight for social justice and social change!

Michelle Alexander iterates this point when she reflects on the continued importance of the Civil Rights Movement and those who walked miles to and from work during the Montgomery Bus Boycotts from 1955-1956. In her response to the videos of Alton Sterling and Philando Castile being killed by the police, she says “What it means to walk today will be different for different people and different groups and in different places.”

Thinking about what Johnson said on the morning show about wisdom and architecture in particular, and what Alexander wrote about figuring out what our own “walk” is. I want to charge us all with this:

As we are collectively rising with power and community in the fight for social justice, how are we being wise in cultivating and using our individual gifts in the fight for social justice? How are we cultivating the gifts in others through the building of our people, our leaders, and our communities? We all have a stake in this fight and we all have a role to play, but our positions, or our roles, are not and can not be exactly the same. Know your role and get to it!

“It’s such a great challenge to not only become better ourselves, but also to determine how we can position ourselves to help others become better too.” – Lauren McKenzie

I’m so excited you’ve decided to visit my blog. Here you’ll learn more about me and my ways of thinking! While my website serves as my professional brand online and my general professional portfolio, this blog is much more personal and I hope it gives you a sense of who I am!

So let’s start here: I’m a Lansing, MI native, who loves people, loves my family, and admittedly loves pink! As such, my blog will feature thoughts from various aspects of who I am. From social justice and religion, to working at a university and working in the community… and everything in between, you’ll be in my head and will hear my daily thoughts!

So, let’s kick it! As you read, leave comments and ask questions!

Peace and Love!