The answer: I’m fine thanks! How are you?

The truth: I’m overworked. Tired. So sleepy that I can’t sleep. Yesterday I cried myself to sleep. Last week I dreaded the day and couldn’t pull myself out of bed. I don’t actually feel like I know what I’m doing and that’s making me really scared. I’ve noticed that I’ve been complaining a ton about everything, which is really annoying. Now that I’m in my 30’s and all my decisions seemingly carry a different weight, I’m afraid to make any. I pray a ton, but am not always sure if I’m hearing things correctly, which is even more terrifying. Oh and this North Korea/Trump thing has me just simply afraid to leave the house… you know, because nuclear bombs! And romantic relationships? I don’t even want to get started.

The truth is, I feel a constant pressure to be strong, a contestant pressure to be perfect, and I’m rarely honest with myself or others about my own adulting struggle. The truth is, far too often I just feel like I’m drowning.

Finally I went to counseling…. I cried my eyes out for a full hour during our first meeting. I just cried and cried… I think the secret weight I was carrying just finally boiled over. On one hand I feel like I’ve accomplished so much and on the other hand I sometimes feel like my life is not where I wanted it to be at all. On the one hand, I’m 32, I have a PhD, I work in the field that I’m completely passionate about and feel called to, I make a decent amount of money to be young and single, I travel frequently, and have family and friends I can always count on. Honestly, I feel fulfilled in my life in ways that I can’t even describe. And at the EXACT SAME TIME, I’m 32, I have no kids and am afraid that I’m starting to not want any (what kind of woman will that make me? Ya’ll know society’s pressure), I’m not married (What?! Not married… ya’ll know this is a death sentence), I’m literally JUST learning how to cook (a Black woman who can’t cook greens and macaroni? Yep, me!), I sometimes feel lonely even in a room full of people, and above all, the stress of a 4-year PhD paired with working full-time and not caring for my health was causing my hair to fall out.

Here I am…. Walking around smiling, laughing, “enjoying life” and yet there were pieces of me that were simply not “fine”… I wasn’t ok. The truth is, I’m not always ok! Most days I’m great, fantastic even… and other days, I’m just truly not ok. I’m sad, frustrated, lonely, feeling like I’m not good enough or that I should be doing WAAAAY more with my life.

And the truth is, I KNOW I’m not the only one.

As women, Black women, dare I say Christian Black women especially (this is my context), we far too often hide behind a cloak of perfection, a cloak of wonder woman strength, a “blessed and highly favored” facade, simply lying to ourselves and others. All the while digging ourselves in to a deeper and darker hole, out of which at some point we won’t be able to climb.

Since I was very young, I developed a pretty serious fear of vulnerability. I think many times it is because my mom has always been so strong (sorry mom, don’t mean to throw you under the bus here…. Still love you girl! J). Her strength and poise in the midst of life’s trials has always been something I admired. To date, I cannot think of a moment when I’ve seen her cry. Through divorce, financial struggle, church hurt, moving clear across the country with my Dad, but without family…. I’m sure she cried…. But I’ve never seen it, never heard of it, and really can’t even imagine it. I think for her it was important to be strong and to be seen as a constant tower of strength and courage for two growing kids. At some point, I learned that you stand tall, you take whatever storms come your way, and you push through. All of which are amazing qualities, because after all, palm trees sway, but they don’t break right? Nevertheless, in all of the strength, I taught myself that strength equated lack of vulnerability, and that strength equated perfection. Both of which are incredibly false. There is immense strength in your (my) willingness to be vulnerable. There is strength in asking for help, and yes, even strength in tears in front of others.

Now don’t me wrong. I’m not suggesting that you go around unloading on any ol’ body who asks how you’re doing! What I am suggesting is that you honestly and regularly engage in practices that allow you to unload for yourself. For some that may mean yoga or journaling, for me it meant going to see a counselor – seeking professional help. Don’t be afraid of the “shrink” or the couch! (hahaha) If I am completely honest with you, I’ve never felt more liberated than to be in a room, on a couch, with a person I don’t know, who was being paid to listen to me rant and cry for an hour every week! Lol He validated my fears, challenged me to be honest about my faults, and to take responsibility for my own actions in situations that were “clearly someone else’s fault”. He also helped me to recognize the moments I was taking responsibility for someone else’s nonsense and promising myself perfection in areas that were simply unrealistic. He gave me permission to just exist… flaws and all.

A few weeks ago, I was doing one of those Facebook quizzes… you know the ones that tell you what your kid will look like, or if you pick three random colors it will tell you where you’ll get married? Yeah one of those. After responding to a question or two, the quiz told me what my book would be titled 10 years from now. The suggested title was “I’m Fine Thanks!”. Clearly it was a joke (because no one should take FB that seriously), but it resonated so closely with me, because I’m finally moving beyond living in a false fine.

And well, I guess I wrote all of this not because I’ve got it all figured out, or because I have all of the answers, but instead to encourage you to live beyond the false fine that society often forces us into and to live authentically you in all of the peaks and valleys that are life.

You don’t have to be fine all the time. You don’t have to pretend to be perfect…. In fact, stop pretending!

None of us are perfect and most of us don’t actually know what we’re doing at this thing called life. We are just doing our best…. Taking it one step at a time, one breath at a time, and one prayer at a time. When you are honest with yourself, you give others permission to do the same. But even better than that, when you are honest with yourself, you free yourself from the shackles and bondage of living a façade. Be willing to make a commitment to be vulnerable with yourself and with others. Give yourself the space and grace to grow, make mistakes, to be imperfect, and to love yourself completely.  Give yourself permission to not be ok, to seek help when you need it, and to love yourself, even in all of the mess that is you.

The question: How are you?

The answer: I am not always “fine”, but I am living authentically